Two days ago I quit my job.
Scratch that. Two days ago I officially turned my attention in a new direction. What I'm looking towards is unknown but it's a direction fed by desire rather than familiarity or defaults. I have chosen this because I want something else. What it is I'm not sure. I feel lost but only a little. I feel stunned, uncomfortable, awake and hopeful. I feel present and unaccounted for. I feel hesitant but completely sure that I'm right and exactly where I want to be. I'm looking forward, towards wanting more.
A week from now I will sell my house.
Scratch that. A week from now will be the end of a beautiful dream I once had and lived. I have gratitude that what I gained from this time will push another set of dreams forward. I have such gratitude for my home and all that it has provided me. Having spent more time building it than living in it could be ironic, but I've had the entire experience available to me for these five and a half years. And for all of it I am grateful I have gratitude for the relationships it has provided—in getting to know my brother better as he helped me build it—watching him grow in confidence, skill and creativity. I'm grateful for my mother and her willingness to put her neck on the line. I'm grateful for her pushing to get exactly what she wanted. In doing so, helped me see what I want too. I'm grateful for getting closer to Omar, my friend, my tenant, my lawyer and my baker. He brought such warmth and generosity into every corner of that house. He made it a home and folded in his warmth. I couldn't have asked for a more kind and lovely person to inhabit that space. I'm grateful for every person who laughed in this house, who shared a meal, who took a bath, slept in comfort, sat on a porch, who raised a glass. I am grateful to everyone one of you. Your love and friendship is in there.
I'm grateful for what I've learned about building a house, managing a crew, running a budget, and turning a profit. I made every mistake possible and for this, I am grateful. I know how to do it better next time. And there will be a next time. I am grateful that I will walk away with more than I started. I'm grateful I had so much fun every single day of construction and because of that fun, the dirt, the headaches, the back aches, the cold, and crummy food, all of it seemed right. I can only hope to do it again.
I am grateful that I wanted this house, this home. I'm grateful that I got what I wanted and that because of it, I have beautiful memories about what it feels like to really want and love life.
