Happy Birthday Joan Didion

“I'm not telling you to make the world better, because I don't think that progress is necessarily part of the package. I'm just telling you to live in it. Not just to endure it, not just to suffer it, not just to pass through it, but to live in it. To look at it. To try to get the picture. To live recklessly. To take chances."   -- Joan Didion

December 5. Round 3. Week 2.

Feeling flat. Or am I just feeling even? Who knows. I do know though that I’m here. Alive. Awake. Available. Not depressed. That was yesterday. But I changed my mind last night. That simple. I could because I knew nothing was wrong. Whatever I was feeling was correct. By correct I mean OK, appropriate, just fine. I could because there was nothing to fight against other than my willingness to recognize and agree that everything is ok. Confused? Simple things often are because we’re used to making things so incredibly complicated.

Yesterday was a blind struggle with my chemistry and emotions. The chemo drugs recreate me into another version of myself while leaving the essential part of me still here to deal with the intruder. Luckily, once the bulk of early-onset menopausal fever passed all I had to do was change my mind. To decide I was done being upset. Part of being upset was because yesterday I asked for something I wanted and it didn’t go so well. It didn’t go well, not because I asked for what I wanted--because I took a chance, but because what I said and what was heard were two completely different things. Upset because this disconnect may be a fundamental reality and it may never change. But I’m not sure I know that yet. Yesterday, I said I wanted to have more fun. What was heard though was that I’m not having enough fun. Or that the fun I’m having isn’t the right kind of fun.

What does this have to do with cancer?

Well, living through cancer and chemo is like balancing on one of those odd half ball things that have become super popular at the gym. When you’re on one, you’re in this constant state of calibration and slightly confused what reality you had to pass through to find yourself agreeing to this sort of experience. That said, with treatment what works one day, doesn’t the next. What is enjoyable now, can be uncomfortable tomorrow. Attuning oneself to the moment is the cornerstone of the ride and finding ways to have fun and experience comfort can feel like a moving target. So for me then, it’s about exploring and experimenting. How can I have more fun with what I’m already doing or maybe change it up and feel familiar things in new or different ways. What other experiences can I bring in to feel pleasure? I search not because I’m dissatisfied or that I’m not getting enough. Those judgments are empty of possibility. I search because I want to continue going deeper, getting closer. To feel more. To have fun and not endure but to actually live this experience as much as I possibly can.

Thank you Joan Didion for saying what I didn't know was on my mind.