You're as delicious as a daffodil

Tonight's dinner. One of the all time best. Not because it was unique or because it was a special occasion. But because tonight I ate without the the cord of cancer tied around my plate. I followed my nose today and served the call of my belly. Dinner ended up being seared salmon, with an impossibly perfect crispy skin and beautiful buttery thin inner layer of fat. Sexy savory served with a pilaf of wild, jasmine, brown and sweet rice tossed with sautéed carrots, spring onions, walnuts thyme and sesame oil. And finally after a dozen or more tries throughout the season, I finally got my long bean recipe spot on. At last I figured out what was missing. It wasn't the shallots or garlic sweated with Chinese rice wine vinegar. It wasn't the chopped cilantro, meyer lemons cured in cardamom and cinnamon or the lemon juice itself. It was all there. It was szechwan peppercorns, just the tiniest bit crushed and tossed in at the end for that side-of-the-tongue tingle. Sweet beans, tangy citrus and a little twisted zip to turn it into parade. I ate that meal. I ate that meal with gusto. I tasted everything. I felt everything. I laughed out loud alone.

It's the first time since this all became incredibly, indelibly real that I ate for pleasure and aesthetics and didn't think for a second of it as a health-related transaction or feel like it was another one of the hundreds of daily conversations I have with cancer. It was the first meal where I didn't see it as part of my treatment or part of this new costume I wear called 'cancer patient.' I didn't consider the beneficial effects, the nutrients, the antioxidant properties. I ate what I wanted because I wanted it. I ate like a civilized healthy human being. With gratitude and appreciation and joy. Eating that meal was like experiencing the first daffodil of Spring. Hey you. Look how beautiful you are. How beautiful it can be.

What gratitude I have for that meal. For the fun of feeling out flavors. For the fun in having an aesthetic and delicious experience. For the reminder that I am the same person I started as and the same person I will continue to be. Thank you delicious bites. So fun you were.